Losses and Gains
by rachmarie150
Summary: How will Castle cope when Kate is diagnosed with a terminal disease? How will he spend his last moments with her? AU. *COMPLETE*


**No, I have not forgotten about Last Goodbyes, I've just been really down lately so I really haven't been in the mood to write… but then I realized that maybe writing would help me get out some of my frustrations… and suddenly, this one shot happened. So, this method has worked and I'm about to go write the next chapter of Last Goodbyes! **

**This is very angsty… so if you're not into that… maybe you shouldn't read this… but I do hope some people at least read it and let me know what they think, because this is my first big try at angst and I don't know what to think about it. Let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Castle, I wouldn't be writing this fic on my school owned laptop… just sayin.**

* * *

It was so unexpected. He always thought she would die in the line of duty, but never from this. A stupid, stupid disease. Terminal. Only a year and a half left. Dying.

How was this possible? Kate, HIS Kate, is the strongest woman he knows. He can't do this. He can't watch her die. He promised, "in sickness and in health" in his vows. Of course he meant that, but he didn't expect to make the "sickness" part a true reality.

Couldn't medicine help her? Surgery? Anything?

The doctors said that it was spreading too rapidly. The disease is incurable. There isn't any medication or no procedure that they could do to help her. She just had to fight through and die. There was simply nothing they could do.

* * *

"Mr. Castle?"

He looked up to see a petite brunette woman standing in the doorway.

He stood and walked over to her, no emotion shown from his facial features.

The woman held her hand out and he took it, shaking it. "I'm Lara."

"Rick," he whispered.

"Pardon?" Lara replied, not hearing him.

"You can call me Rick," he reiterated. "Mr. Castle is too formal. Rick works."

"Okay Rick, well come on back." Lara smiled softly and held the door open for him and he walked through it. She followed him and directed him to her room.

Lara's room was really cozy, with a desk by the door and two full sofas across from each other. The room was a mix of colors, making it cheery but not confusing and crazy.

They sat opposite each other on the couches and Rick shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"I know this sounds so cliché," Lara started, "but I just want you to know that I'm here to help you in any way I can. There is full patient-therapist confidentiality, and I will only tell someone something with your permission."

Rick nodded, not making eye contact with the therapist who was about Kate's age. She almost had the same quirky yet light air about her. Lara definitely reminded him of his wife.

"So Rick, why are you here?" she prodded gently and kindly.

He winced at the question. He really didn't want to be here, telling some woman about his life. He objected to this from day one, but his mother insisted that he at least go for one session, to get some of the stress and depression off of his shoulders.

"It's um... it's my wife," he said softly.

"What's her name?" Lara asked.

"Kate," he smiled. He always smiled when he thought of her.

"You really love her, I can tell," Lara said with a soft smile.

"How?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Your whole face lit up when I mentioned her. No matter what is happening in your life that is causing you to have such a long face, when you mentioned Kate you smile and your whole face lifted."

"Yeah, I guess so," Rick replied as he stared at the traffic zooming by. A lone tear fell down his cheek. He wiped it with the back of his hand. "She's uh... she's dying," he choked out.

"From what?" Lara asked with a sympathetic look.

"Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. It's a neurological disorder; a rare brain disease that kills a person within eighteen months," he replied. "Doctor said it came on sporadically. She was having strange uncontrollable spasms, so we took her to the ER and they diagnosed her with CJD. And since then, it's gotten a lot worse. She's developed dementia and gets strange numbness basically anywhere. She has these muscle spasms and she has insomnia and spontaneous bouts of depression. She's so weak and there's nothing they can do. This is a completely uncontrollable and incurable disease. I'm just waiting for the day when I wake up and she's not breathing. We've only been married for two years. I had so much planned for us. I was so excited to spend the rest of my life spoiling her and loving her. I just wanted to be able to make her feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, because I know that I am definitely the luckiest man for being with her. God, we were planning on trying to have a baby! I'm not ready to be without her! I promised her I'd be here one and done, and she's my always! I can't just lose her!"

The dam broke and he was crying hard now. Lara sat there, letting him let out all of his frustrations, fears, and sadness. She handed him a tissue box but otherwise she just sat back and let him take his time. She had dealt with people like this for the past eleven years, but she had never seen a man cry so hard for the woman that he loved. She knew that he really was truly broken by all of this.

"Same time next week?" Rick asked as they stood.

"You sure, Rick? I've told you, you don't have to do this if you don't want to," Lara replied.

"I want to do this. It helped me today, so I'm sure it'll help me in the future, too. Thank you, Lara. You're really great."

"Of course," she smiled as she patted his back gently. "Same time next week is fine. Go home and do what we talked about, okay?"

"Yeah, I will," he smiled softly.

* * *

Rick shed his jacket and shoes as he walked in the loft door. "Honey?" he said quietly as he made his way toward their bedroom.

He stopped in the doorway and saw her lying there, asleep. She sleeps a lot now, which means she's getting closer to her last days. He'd love to let her sleep, but he needs to do this, now. For her and for him. Her days are numbered, and he doesn't know which one is her last.

"Kate, honey?" Rick said, gently shaking her shoulder as he sat on the bed by her frail, fragile body.

"Hmm?" she said after a moment, finally rousing from her slumber.

"Hi, baby. You okay?" he asked.

Her eyes opened and she looked at him with a confused face. "Who are you?" she rasped out.

His heart dropped. Her dementia was always at its worst when he needed her for something important.

"It's me, Rick, your husband. Remember, Kate? We worked together for four years at the precinct and then we finally got together? And then two years later we got married on the beach in the Hamptons? I threw you in the pool in your wedding dress," he chuckled. The doctors told him that when she was confused and unknowing, he should try to briefly explain everything he could to her to try to jog her memory. He watched her as she took the information in and thought about it. He smiled as her brow furrowed, like it always did when she was thinking.

She shook her head, and his heart dropped. She really didn't remember. Sometimes she did remember and she was okay, and then there were times when she didn't remember and it was so hard on him. This was one of those times, and it was the worst time possible for her to forget. If only he had done this sooner, but he didn't think of it before! Lara helped him think of this idea and he didn't want to have Kate forget...

"I never forgave you for that," she said, interrupting his train of thought.

She remembered.

"Oh, Kate," he said with a watery smile and tears running down his cheeks.

"Shhh, it's okay. I know, babe. It's going to be okay," she said as he buried his face in his pillow, sobbing.

"It won't be okay without you," he said, words mumbled into the pillow, but she heard him nonetheless.

"Come here," she said as she grabbed his arm with what strength she had left.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said as she tried to pull his arm closer to her.

"You're always worried about which day is my last, and if that day is today, well damn it Rick, I want to cuddle with you for one last time," she said, not angrily but in a way to make him understand why she needed this.

"Okay, I get it," he smiled, trying not to let the fact that she said today could be her last day get to his head. He slowly scooted over and she turned to face him. He slid his leg between hers and wrapped his arms around her ghastly body. She rested her head on his chest and let out a sigh of content.

"Better?" he asked.

"Mmm, much. I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, Kate. More than you will ever know."

She smiled and lifted her head slowly to look at him. It was a challenge to move any part of her body without pain, but she needed this. He looked down at her and smiled, too. He saw the tears form in her eyes and he felt them forming in his own.

"Kiss me, Rick. Please," she whimpered.

He leaned down and kissed her lips gently. Her eyes slid shut at the blissful feeling and she moaned softly. She pushed her tongue through his lips and explored his mouth desperately as if it was going to be their last time doing this. He cupped the back of her head gently and let her do what she wanted. He tangled his tongue with hers and she smiled into their kiss. When air became a necessity, she pulled away, panting softly. She smiled at him and then, he felt like it was the perfect time to tell her.

"I have something to tell you."

She just looked up at him questioningly and attentively.

"I'm quitting writing."

"What?" she gasped. Her leg started to twitch against his and he rubbed her thigh to try to stop the spasms.

"I'm okay, just go on," she said.

"I'm quitting writing to join the NYPD, officially. Captain Gates called me today and she said that she wants to put me through a year in the academy and then have me come back as a full time detective, like you were. She wants me to take your place in the precinct, as an honor in your memory. She knows that this is what you would want and that this is the only way that I could go on in my life, doing what you and I both love and honoring you by being there in your place."

The tears were flowing freely from her eyes as he spoke.

"I... I love the idea," she said. "You have honored me by making me happy every day we have been together babe, and that's all I can ask for. I think you're going to be the most amazing homicide detective the NYPD has and I couldn't be happier right now."

"I'm so glad you like the idea, Kate," he replied. "I didn't know what to think at first, because giving up writing wasn't exactly something I wanted to do, but I realized that there's no way I can continue writing without my muse. I haven't written one word since you've gotten sick and my contract with Black Pawn expires in a month, so I'm quitting and making the NYPD my new priority."

Another tear slid down Kate's cheek. "How did I get so lucky? I fell in love with the most amazing man on the planet. You are everything to me, Rick. I love you so much," she rasped out.

He tightened his hold on her and let her weep into his chest. "I'm the lucky one. I love you too, baby. I always will."

She started to relax and he heard her stomach rumble. "I'm going to go make you some lunch, okay?" he whispered into her ear.

She nodded in response and he let go of her, gently sliding out from under her and standing up. He took a moment to stretch and then he kissed her forehead before making his way into the kitchen.

* * *

He had placed everything on the tray and walked into their bedroom. She fell back asleep and so he set the tray down on the night stand and sat down on the bed by her again.

"Kate? Time to eat lunch, honey."

She didn't move.

"Kate?" he said again.

Nothing.

"Kate?" he said a bit more desperately.

"C'mon Kate, please, not yet!" he said as he pulled the covers off of her. He stared at her chest and noticed that it wasn't rising and falling. He placed his fingers to her neck and didn't feel her steady pulse. He tried her wrist and felt nothing there either. He laced his fingers between hers and noticed that they were cool. He placed his other hand over her heart, but he felt nothing.

"No! God, no!" he yelled. He collapsed on the floor and the sobs wracked his body. He let his tears soak into the rug, the throw rug that Kate bought him, and oh God, he couldn't handle it. She was gone. She was dead. He had finally found the one woman that he truly loved with every fiber of his being and now she had died, right there in their bed.

A paper fell to the ground beside him and he felt it skim his hand. He lifted his head slightly and stared at it. His name was scribbled on the front of it in Kate's handwriting. He used all the energy he had left to sit up and lean against the side of the bed. He picked up the paper, unfolded it, and he was met with different variations of Kate's penmanship.

_Rick,_

_I love you. I'm taking the time to say that first and foremost, because that is the most important thing I can say and that's the one thing that I never want you to forget, even after I'm gone._

_It's been said that God will never give you more than you can handle. I never was a believer in this quote, but in the past few years, I do believe that it's completely true. After my mom was killed, I always thought that I had way too much on my shoulders. I thought that I was getting it all at once and I was never going to be able to handle it. I thought I was going to die alone, sad, and still without my mom's case solved. Things may have seemed that was for a while, but then you stumbled your way into my life and everything changed. I have made use of myself and I am dying happy. I'm married to the most amazing man on the planet, and every second you and I spend together makes me happy._

_This illness sucks, you and I both know that, and maybe you feel like you won't know what to do after I'm gone, but please, please don't stop living. Don't fall down the rabbit hole like I did when my mom died. Don't lock yourself at home because you don't want to face the world without me. You're so much stronger than that, Rick. You don't need me to be who you are. You were amazing before I came along, and you're even more amazing now. You have grown and you have helped me learn who I really am._

_Detective Castle. I like it. Make me proud, babe. You deserve it. Don't try to piss off Gates too much, okay?_

_Tell Ryan, Espo, and Lanie that they are the three best friends that I could ever ask for, and tell Martha and Lex that I love them._

_Tell my dad that Mom and I are saving a seat at our table for him in heaven. Keep an eye on him, Rick. Please don't let him fall to the bottle like he did when my mom passed. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself if he dies from alcohol poisoning._

_I'm waiting for you too, Rick. I'll see you soon, okay? I love you more than anything in the world._

_Kate_

The penmanship in each paragraph of the note got a little bit messier, showing that she wrote each of them at different times. The last few paragraphs had been written while he was making her lunch just now.

The lunch she would never enjoy eating, because she was gone.

It was like she knew she was going to die today. When they kissed earlier, it felt like she was desperate because she knew it would be their last time together.

By the time Rick had finished reading the note, Kate's writing was smudged because it was soaked in his tears.

He was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of their bedroom, sobbing and immovable. He couldn't walk out of the room, because he couldn't leave her.

* * *

He lied there crying for what felt like hours until he was out of tears. He started to hiccup and gasp for air, so he sat up to get his breath back. Once he was somewhat calmed, he picked up his phone and called Martha.

"Hello there Richard. How are you darling?" her cheery voice answered after a few rings.

"Mother," he choked out.

"Richard, what's wrong? Is it Katherine?"

"She's... she's..." he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"She's gone, isn't she?" she replied in a sad tone.

His only reply was a choked sob.

"I'm going to pick up Alexis. We'll be over soon, okay? Call Lanie and I'll call Jim if you want me to."

"No, I'll call him. He needs to hear it from me," Castle said a bit too quickly.

"Okay then. We'll be over in a bit. Hang in there, Kiddo."

* * *

"Hello Rick, how are things?" Jim's voice answered.

"Jim I..." he said, not knowing how to continue.

"Is it Katie?" he immediately responded.

"Yes," he whispered on another choked sob.

"Oh God, is she..." Jim said, his own eyes welling with tears.

"Yes," Rick said again. "I'm so sorry Jim, I really tried to-"

"Stop right there. Don't start blaming yourself for something you can't control. I'm leaving work right now. I'll be by the loft in twenty minutes."

Rick felt even worse when he hung up with Jim. He had to call his wife's father and tell him that she was dead. This was the second time this had happened to Jim. First his wife, and now his daughter. Hasn't this man had enough death to last him a lifetime?

* * *

His last call was to Lanie. He didn't even know how he was going to be able to talk to her.

"Hey Castle," Lanie said when she answered.

"Lanie," he cried.

"Castle, is it...?"

"Get the boys and come here," he said as an answer to her question.

She knew exactly what she meant, so they hung up and she rushed from the morgue to the precinct to tell the boys to come to the loft with her. They were all going to see her as a family for one last time before Lanie took her to the morgue. Kate said she wanted to be an organ donor. Lanie wasn't sure which organs she could get from Kate's body, but as hard as it would be to have her best friend on her autopsy table, she needed to do this and not anyone else. She only trusted herself.

* * *

Jim arrived first, bursting through the door with a frantic, "Where's Katie?" Rick took him to their bedroom and as soon as Jim saw his daughter, he collapsed on the floor and sobbed, much like Rick had done earlier. "Katie! Katie please, please! I already lost Jo, I can't lose you too! Please Katie, come back!"

Rick stood in the doorway, watching Jim sob over his deceased daughter. He had to leave and sit in the living room and wait for the others. He couldn't stand there and watch Jim, or else he'd break down again. He figured that it'd be best to let him have his own moment with Kate anyway.

The door buzzed and he opened it to see the boys and Lanie. Lanie pushed past Castle and ran to the bedroom in her mess of tears, and the boys followed with somber looks of their own on their faces.

Rick stayed by the door waiting for his mother and Alexis, and all he heard were the sobs of his pseudo-family as they overlooked his wife. A few minutes passed and then Martha and Alexis arrived, both crying softly. The three of them joined the rest of the family in the bedroom and they all stood together, hugging and crying.

They missed Kate, but at least they had each other. Lanie hugged Rick and when they pulled away, she whispered, "She really loved you, Rick, and she would hate to see you so sad. Don't let this affect you negatively. Do what you want to do and be who she would want you to be."

She was right. He nodded and excused himself from the room. He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed the familiar numbers.

"Gates."

"Sir, it's Rick Castle. Can I start at the academy tomorrow?"

* * *

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